the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
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