you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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