Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Randomize
