All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
