I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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