please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
