I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
