I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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