My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
