the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
