Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
