why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Randomize
