I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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