Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
