Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Randomize
