fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
