What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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