Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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