I want to have your abortion
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Randomize
