I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Life is so much better after having sex.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
