apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
