I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
