So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
