This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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