$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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