yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
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