that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
