Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Randomize
