It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
