My hand turned me down
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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