Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
