life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
