Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Randomize
