isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
