i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
