Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
