And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
