I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Randomize
