Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Two words: blizzard sex
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
