Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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