Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
