It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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