Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
