What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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