Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
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