I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
