i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
