Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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