I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
What drink are we having for lunch?
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
