I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
