Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
