There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
