Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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